TRUE LIFE SIMILITUDES

1. Virginity is like a Balloon , One prick and it's gone for ever!

2. Sex is like a pack of Chips, Once you start! You can't stop 😝!

3. An Exam paper is like a Dick, When it's hard! People get fucked!

4. Education is like hiring a prostitute, It needs both your money and your hardwork 😓...!

5. Success is like masturbating, Only your own hand can let you achieve it!

6. Life without Friends is like Boobs Without Nipples. IT'S POINTLESS !

7. Fuck a woman and she Loves you. Love a woman when she Fucks you.😳😳


8. English O/L Final Exam question paper: Fill in the blanks. If a woman faints, we must first check her pu_s_. Only few students who wrote: 'Pulse' passed.😜😜


9. The saddest part of a Man's body is his Balls. They are sentenced to Hang Till Death!😝😝

10. Boy: How much Calcium is there in women's BREASTS? Girl: It Enough to help a Man's Boneless Thing stand up😜😜

11. Give an example of Total Business Failure due to Negligence. A Pregnant Prostitute😰😰

12. If Necessity is the Mother of Invention, Then Frustration is the Father of Masturbation! 😉😉

13. If your Boss says: Nothing is Impossible ask him to wear condom after sex!💄😱


So basically life is 👙S$XOLOGY👙
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😜😜😜😜😜😜😜😜😜

THE MAN AT THE MONASTERY

A man is driving down the road 🚗and breaks down near a monastery⛪.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down.
Do you think I could stay the night?

the monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner🍚🍲, even fix his car🔧🚗.

As the man tries to fall asleep💤, he hears a strange sound💬.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say,

We can't tell you. You're not a monk.

The man is disappointed😞 but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way🚗.

Some years later,

The same man breaks down in front of the same monastery⛪.

The monks again accept him, feed him🍚🍲, even fix his car🔧🚗.

That night, he hears the same strange noise 💬that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning🌞, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, We can't tell you😶. You're not a monk.

The man says, All right, all right. I'm dying to know.😖

If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?

The monks reply, You must travel the earth 🌍and tell us how many blades of grass 🌾there are and the exact number of sand pebbles🔎 When you find these numbers,

you will become a monk.

The man sets about his task.

Some 4⃣5⃣ years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery⛪.

He says,

I have traveled the earth🌍 and have found what you have asked for. There are

145,236,284,232 blades of grass🌾 and

231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth🌏.

The monks reply, Congratulations. You are now a monk😇.

We shall now show you the way to the sound📡.

The monks lead the man to a wooden door🚪 where the head monk says,

The sound is right behind that door.

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.

He says, Real funny. May I have the key🔑?

The monks give him the key🔑, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone🚪.

The man demands the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key🔑, and he opens it, only to find a door 🚪made of ruby.

He demands another key 🔑from the monks, who provide it.

Behind that door is another door🚪, this one made of sapphire,

So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald,

silver,

topaz,

and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, This is the last key🔑 to the last door.

The man is relieved to know end🏁.

He unlocks the door🔓,

turns the knob,

and behind that door he is amazed 😳to find the source of that strange sound📡




. . . .








. . . .








. . . .








. . . .












☝😐😶But he can't tell you what it is because you're not

 a monk
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂


Don't be angry at me .. I am
Also looking for  the guy who sent me this...

WHAT A FATHER TOLD HIS DAUGHTER A DAY BEFORE HER WEDDING

1. My Daughter, tomorrow you will stop bearing my name. You will be happily married to the man you love. Don't miss me because I have fulfilled my purpose, it is now time for you to start fulfilling yours. 
2. From your childhood, I have raised you well by the grace of God but before you say I do, there are few things I need to tell you about living with a man and being married.

• Do you remember when you wrote your GCE O/L and GCE A/L exams? You came to me and I gave you 20,000 FCFA for the registration? Well, even though I gave it to you, the money was not mine. I know you always thought I paid the fees. The truth is, I was broke… but your mother gave me the money. She could have given it to you but she decided to give it to me to give to you.
• Support your husband. Some times things will get tough… he will be frustrated. Even though he acts tough, in his mind he has fears… he fear you may not value him anymore because he has fallen. That is the time to get behind him and support him!
• The best way to show your husband you love him is to respect him! You may argue with him, you may disagree but at the end of the day, let him know he has your respect.
• Do you remember the day I screamed at your mother? What did she do? She was quiet! Do you also remember the day she screamed at me? What did I do? I was quiet! My daughter learn to be quiet sometimes when your husband is angry. When one person is hot, the other should be cool. If two are always screaming at same time, that is how big problems start in marriage. The first thing to know about your husband is his favourite food! If he has more than one then keep them at the back of your mind. Dont let him ask for it, always prepare it for him.
• There was a day your mother caught me touching a woman’s hand affectionately. I was lust after that woman but I was not yet cheating on your mum. When she saw us… she didnt fight the lady, she quietly left. I was afraid of going home because all hell will break lose. But when I got home she said nothing. She served me my food. Guilt was taking control over me. I started begging. From that day, I never looked at a woman two time. Who knows? If she had fought and threatened me… maybe I could have run away from the fight into the arms of the lady. Sometimes Silent brings better solution than fight.
• Forget those romantic novels you read while you were 21. Remember those Indian and American love movies? Also remember those too sweet Nollywood films on African magic? Forget them! Don’t expect your married life to be that way. Life is different from fiction
• The last thing I want to tell you…. Do you remember how you were born? After our wedding, things were tough and your mum had to do two jobs to support us. I was working as well. I get home 6 PM while she gets home 8pm tired. But when we get to bed… she will not refuse me my night food. That is how you were born. Dont form a habit of denying your husband of his night food.
• Be a good wife. You will always be Daddy’s girl…

P.S. LOVE.

WHAT SHALL IT PROFIT -- BY FEMENCHA AZOMBO FABRICE

1. What shall it  profit a lady to put on the dearest Brazilian hair and yet still look ugly?
2. What shall it profit a man to have enough money yet still have no girl friend?
3. What shall it profit a boy/girl to break a girl/boy's heart?
4. What shall it profit a girl apply makeups and yet no man looks at her on the streets?
5. What shall it profit a girl to have all the Brazilian hair in the world and still loose her boy friend to a girl with low hair cut?
6. What shall it profit a man to gain the whole world and loose his/soul?

PROMISE YOURSELF

To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.

To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet.

To make all your friends feel that there is something in them

To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.

To think only the best, to work only for the best,and to expect only the best.

To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.

To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.

To wear a cheerful countenance at all times and give every living creature you meet a smile.

To give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others.

To be too large for worry,too noble for anger, too strong for fear,and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world,not in loud words but great deeds.

To live in faith that the whole world is on your side so long as you are true to the best that is in you.

SOME LIES PEOPLE SOMETIMES BELIEVE IN

1. When one of your eye start shaking they say your going to cry or see some one u haven't seen 4 a long time. Poor health condition seek medical attention.
   
2.  When walking and you kick one of your toe they say it good or bad lock. U were moving with your eyes closed be focused.
   
3.  When eating and you bite your lips they say someone is calling your name. Stop fighting with the food it won't run eat gently no one is calling your name. Call the name of the person standing next to you then ask if he or she her bit her lips .
   
4.  Every time you brush your  teeth and see blood stop thinking it's because u brush it well its because you haven't brush it for the past one or two days. Brush after meals.
   
5.  When the rain is falling heavily don't take your food and throw to the rain thinking it will cut. Just follow the news for your whether conditions. Stop blaming your great grand fathers allow their soul to RIP, the are not going to eat the food your throw.
   
6. When drinking your palm wine or beer as the case maybe, don't throw some on the grown saying "This one is for the ancestors". Frankly, the ancestors are dead and where there are, there don't need wine or beer. Stop wasting your beer.
   
7. When your have a dream about someone at night and u wake up and say "how could this person be in my dream?". It's because through out the day your have been thinking about that person and don't blame anyone it's all your thoughts.
   
8.  For the girls when u get pregnant stop using the phrase " he got me pregnant"  you got yourself pregnant you were not raped, so don't blame him. You did open your legs and scream nicely like uhhh oh. Yes you did, don't even deny it.
   
9. When you get married don't take your husband's name it's not a must what a man can do a woman can do more better. Haha . smiling.
   
10. When you undressed each other to have sex also dress up each other. it is more moralistic than undressing each other. Try to show some manners, where you born in the house, train in the forest?.
    
11. When you have sex in your dream don't blame the poor devil. You wish u had one during the day. The devil is not always responsible for your "evil" deeds, you are sometimes.

Some Usefull African Proverbs

1. He who says nothing last forever has never tried Hausa perfume - Isaac Jaymiah (1904).
   
2. He who fully unwraps a sharwama completely before eating it cannot keep a secret - Abraham Lincoln (1864).
   
3. Any man that uses his teeth to cut shaki from pepper-soup with his eyes wide open is not afraid of anything - Martin Luther King Jnr (1900).
   
4. Anyone who thinks he has many enemies has never been with a mountain of fire member - William Shakespeare (1788).
   
5. Anyone who graduated without experiencing strike probably has never been to Nigeria - Lord Lugard (1904).
   
6. He who ask for stew on top of jollof rice has trust issues  -Alexander the III (1709).
   
7. He who refuses to classify Agege bread n Akara as a type of sandwich is a racist - President Mugabe (1931).
   
8. Anyone that can kill a chicken by cutting its throat without feeling sorry for it is capable of joining Boko Haram – President Mouhamadou Buhari (2012)
   
9. Anyone that says money cannot buy happiness is probably a poor man – Aliko Dangote (2014).
   
10. Anyone that can dry shit, without squeezing his face is worst than me – Aboubakar shekau (1994).
    
11. Any man who drinks palm wine without squeezing his face,is capable of murder....obasanjo(1999).
    
12. Drinking Garri doesn't mean you're poor, but allowing the garri to swell-up before drinking is Poverty - Queen Elisabeth (1893).
    
13. Any man that dates a girl with big boobs and doesn’t squeeze it can surely be trusted with money – Femencha Azombo Fabrice(1980).
    
14. He who runs around looking for scissors to cut Prudence Plus condom not yet hungry- Sir Dr Nnamdi Azikiwe (1947).
    
15. No mata how hot your temper is, it cannot even boil a coco leaf. -Issa Tchiroma (2013).
    
16. Any toilet wey clean never jam correct shit -Bola Tinubu (2011) .
    
17. Any woman that claims all men are dogs should be awarded a medal for perseverance. She had the power to take it doggy with all men -- Suzy Brown (2015).
    
18. The woman that will tell me she is on her period after eating my suya, shawarma, beer and pizza has never met a Bamileke man – Tcheutchoua Steve (2015).
    
19. Anyone that didn’t cut grass while in primary school was definitely born after Paul Biya Junior -- Femencha Azombo Fabrice (2013).
    
20. Only a courageous woman can fry a bunch of plantain (dodo) without tasting any – Chantal Biya (1872).

I HOPE -- BY FEMENCHA AZOMBO FABRICE.

1. That all those who use to steal my bread my mum always puts in my bag in primary school have succeeded in stealing from the world bank.
   
2. That that head boy who use to threaten me to give him my long break money else he will write my name on the list of noise makers is now a senior head boy (governor).
   
3. That those boys who use to use my legs as "petit goal" just because I had curve legs are now playing in real Madrid and Barcelona.
   
4. That those my mates who always refuse to give me double sheet to write a test or an exam are still using the book now!
   
5. That those my mates who refuse to give me their note books to copy notes when I was late for a class are owning real notebooks from Microsoft and Macintosh.
   
6. That all those who refuse to give me one pen each time I asked "class who have 2 pens please" though there had 2 but refused to give me one are signing million dollar contracts with those pens.
   
7. That all those elders in school who use to tax me on my belongings are now working in the tax office.
   
8. That all those people whom during examination refuse to open their paper for me to see an answer are now working in the CONAC (Commission Nationale Anti Corruption).
   
9. That Those girls in primary school who use to refuse to be my girlfriends (after eating my bread on long break , oh Lord have mercy) just because I was not the head boy are now married to or dating ministers and governors.
   
10. That all those girls who rejected or maltreated me(in a relationship) are now in save and secure relationships.

God bless you all because you all made me who I am today ( a wiser version of me).

WHAT BOKO-HARAM GO MAKE US DO

Dem say Boko Haram don poison beans after I buy half bag for house. From the one wey I cook, I give my dog, Bingo, make im first test am. 45mins later, bingo still dey waka, dey jolly. Na im I
come chop my own. After I don chop finish, my gateman run come tel me say bingo don die, hey! I run enter house, begin drink full gallon of palm oil for my belle, chop 22 bitter kola wit 3 long bitter
leaf stem, chop walnuts with the shell no time to crack, swallow moringa with aloe vera as treatment
combo. Garlic and onions be like sweet for my mouth. I come dey sweat as if na oven be my bedroom. I dey think say my life don finish. I come outside. Na im gate man com they
tell me say the driver wey kill bingo wan come beg me! 

If na u, wetin u go do the gate man???

TOTO AND HIS FUNNY STORIES

1. TOTO AND HIS WIFE 

Wife: Honey I'm out of pants can you give me money to buy some??
Toto: Don't bother i will get you some on my way back from work.
Wife: ok.

[ 8 hrs later,]

Toto: Honey here are the pants i got for you. There are you size.

Wife: But Honey there are the same color, People will start to think that have  I    just 1 pant. [Wife gets angry]

Toto: Who will think you have just 1 pant??? How will there get to know.

Wife: [silent].

2. SMS BETWEEN TOTO AND WIFE

Wife: Honey, this is my last sms, can you send me some airtime so i can renew my sms???

Toto: Ok Baby, off course I will.

Wife: Thank you honey, thats why i love you so much.

[After a short while]

Toto: Have you received the airtime??

Wife: No it has not yet come.

Toto:Have you checked your account.??
Wife: Yes I did but Nothing.

Toto: Ok wait I will resend it.

Wife: OK.

[After a short while]

Toto: Has it come??

Wife: Still Nothing!!

Toto: Are you sure???
Wife: Weh i just checked just now and yet still nothing!!
Toto: And you said it was your last SMS?? I was lying, i dint send anything.

3. TOTO AND HIS BANK

Toto had a dream in which he was rubbed and killed just after when he cashed some money from his bank. Early the next morning, he rushed to the bank and empty closed his account after he had withdrawn all his money. His friend asked him why he did that and Toto replied The motto of that bank is <<WE MAKE YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE>>

10 STUPID QUESTIONS PEOPLE ASK

1.  You see identical twins, yet you still ask " are those identical twins??" -- Answer "No Na film you di watch. You Blind??".
   
2. SONEL/ENEO brings back light after a long while and everyone in the quarter starts screaming 'Wehhhhhhh light don came!!' and yet one stupid guy still ask "O boy na light dat so??" -- Answer "No na fire di burn the whole quarter. You Yam".
   
3. You see someone vomiting and yet you ask "You are not feeling fine??" -- Answer "Yes I'm feeling fine, I'm just learning how to vomit. Idiot".
   
4. You  just wake up from sleep and your brother/sister/others after noticing that you were sleeping still ask "You don wakeup???" Answer "No i came buy bread weh a go chop for dream. Tshuiiiiip".
   
5. You see a woman who just put to birth a new born baby and yet you still ask "ehhh Madam you don Born???" -- Answer "No A winnam for pari foot. You carry witch come??".
   
6. You see you mum early in the morning and you greet her good morning but she still ask "My son you don wakeup???" --  Answer "No mum, I'm just sleep walking, You to ohhhh".
   
7. My friend ask me "A sah ehh boy you deh which conner??" A tell yi say " a deh Money Gram down molyko" and yet as stupid as he is he asked me "you di do weti for deh???" --- Answer "A came harvest Yam. Non sense."
   
8. Your neighbor sees you opening the gate to go out and yet ask you "You do comot???" -- Answer "NO a be the new gate man *LMAO*" .
   
9. I'm watching my movie and my friend still comes in and ask "Boy you di watch film???" --- Answer "No a di Skype with  Vin Diesel".
   
10. You are eating plantains and beans and you friend comes in and ask "Boy na beans that so???" -- Answer "No na shit for goat. Na who di sep???".