TRUE LIFE SIMILITUDES

1. Virginity is like a Balloon , One prick and it's gone for ever!

2. Sex is like a pack of Chips, Once you start! You can't stop 😝!

3. An Exam paper is like a Dick, When it's hard! People get fucked!

4. Education is like hiring a prostitute, It needs both your money and your hardwork 😓...!

5. Success is like masturbating, Only your own hand can let you achieve it!

6. Life without Friends is like Boobs Without Nipples. IT'S POINTLESS !

7. Fuck a woman and she Loves you. Love a woman when she Fucks you.😳😳


8. English O/L Final Exam question paper: Fill in the blanks. If a woman faints, we must first check her pu_s_. Only few students who wrote: 'Pulse' passed.😜😜


9. The saddest part of a Man's body is his Balls. They are sentenced to Hang Till Death!😝😝

10. Boy: How much Calcium is there in women's BREASTS? Girl: It Enough to help a Man's Boneless Thing stand up😜😜

11. Give an example of Total Business Failure due to Negligence. A Pregnant Prostitute😰😰

12. If Necessity is the Mother of Invention, Then Frustration is the Father of Masturbation! 😉😉

13. If your Boss says: Nothing is Impossible ask him to wear condom after sex!💄😱


So basically life is 👙S$XOLOGY👙
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😜😜😜😜😜😜😜😜😜

QUESTION AND ANSWER TIME

Q – Why Are Condoms Transparent?
A – So That Sperms Can At Least Enjoy The Scene Even If Their Entry Is Restricted!

Q – What Is The New Aids Awareness Slogan?
A – Try Different Positions With The Same Woman Instead Of Same Position With Different Women.

Q – What Will Happen If Earth Rotates 30 Times Faster?
A – Men Will Get Their Salary Everyday And Women Will Bleed To Death.

Q – Why Do 90% Girls Have Left Boob Bigger Than Right?
A – Because 90% Boys Are Right Handed.

Q – What Is The Difference Between A Panty & A Stage Curtain?
A – When You Pull Down The Stage Curtain, The Show Is Over, But When You Pull Down The Panty.. It Is Showtime!

Q – What Does A Signboard Out Side A Prostitute’s House Say?
A – Married Men Not Allowed Here. Because We Serve The Needy, Not The Greedy.

Q – What Is The Similarity Between A Wife And A Chewing Gum?
A – Both Are Sweet In The Beginning But Become Tasteless And Shapeless Later.

Q – Why Is Sex Like Shaving?
A – Well, Because No Matter How Well You Do It Today. Tomorrow You’ll Have To Do It Again.

Q - Why Can’t Anybody Satisfy A Woman Completely?
A - Because Nobody Has A Dick Made Of Gold, Decorated With Diamonds And Ejaculates Cash

Q - Why Did Newton Commit Suicide?
A - Because He Saw A Complete Naked Girl, And Observed Something Going Up In His Pant, Against His Own Laws Of Motion

Q - Why Do Men Wear Underwear?
A - As Per Military Rules, All Types Of Weapons Should Be Kept Covered During Peace Time

Q - Why Are Vegetarian Women Silent During Sex?
A - They Are In State Of Shock That A Piece Of Meat Can Give So Much Pleasure

Q - Why Do Women Wear Panty?
A - Because State Law Says All Main-Holes Must Be Covered When Not In Use.

THE MAN AT THE MONASTERY

A man is driving down the road 🚗and breaks down near a monastery⛪.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down.
Do you think I could stay the night?

the monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner🍚🍲, even fix his car🔧🚗.

As the man tries to fall asleep💤, he hears a strange sound💬.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say,

We can't tell you. You're not a monk.

The man is disappointed😞 but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way🚗.

Some years later,

The same man breaks down in front of the same monastery⛪.

The monks again accept him, feed him🍚🍲, even fix his car🔧🚗.

That night, he hears the same strange noise 💬that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning🌞, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, We can't tell you😶. You're not a monk.

The man says, All right, all right. I'm dying to know.😖

If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?

The monks reply, You must travel the earth 🌍and tell us how many blades of grass 🌾there are and the exact number of sand pebbles🔎 When you find these numbers,

you will become a monk.

The man sets about his task.

Some 4⃣5⃣ years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery⛪.

He says,

I have traveled the earth🌍 and have found what you have asked for. There are

145,236,284,232 blades of grass🌾 and

231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth🌏.

The monks reply, Congratulations. You are now a monk😇.

We shall now show you the way to the sound📡.

The monks lead the man to a wooden door🚪 where the head monk says,

The sound is right behind that door.

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.

He says, Real funny. May I have the key🔑?

The monks give him the key🔑, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone🚪.

The man demands the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key🔑, and he opens it, only to find a door 🚪made of ruby.

He demands another key 🔑from the monks, who provide it.

Behind that door is another door🚪, this one made of sapphire,

So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald,

silver,

topaz,

and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, This is the last key🔑 to the last door.

The man is relieved to know end🏁.

He unlocks the door🔓,

turns the knob,

and behind that door he is amazed 😳to find the source of that strange sound📡




. . . .








. . . .








. . . .








. . . .












☝😐😶But he can't tell you what it is because you're not

 a monk
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂


Don't be angry at me .. I am
Also looking for  the guy who sent me this...

LIFE SAVING MORALS

1. No matter how beautiful or handsome you are, just know that baboon and gorillas also attract tourist,
   Lesson: Stop boasting
2. No matter how big and tall you are, just remember that you will not carry your self to your grave.
   Lesson: Be humble
3. No matter how tall you are, just remember that you cannot see tomorrow
   lesson: Be patient.
4. No matter how light and skinny you are, just remember that you will always need light in darkness
   Lesson: Take caution.
5. No matter how rich and many cars you have, just remember that you will always walk to a bed
   Lesson: Be contented.

LESSON: TAKE LIFE EASY.

THE PROBLEM IS!!!

1. Kissing your man is not a problem. The problem is how you do it. Stop making Sounds like a car crash. Really it sucks.
   
2. Screaming during Sex is romantic and its not a problem. The problem is Shouting words like ; " JESUS, OOH MY GOD, HOLY MARY" You are having Sex, Not a Church Service. And besides I don't know if you are reminding God to Punish you Later or something.
   
3. Wearing short skimpy skirts is not a problem, in fact its very Sexy. The problem is wearing your Mini and looking all nice but when you see Guys,you try to Pull it down now forcing it to be long. Don't you see that you are deceiving yourself?.
   
4. Loving your man is not a problem. The problem is Changing your Surname on Facebook and putting his surname before your name where as he has not even Introduced you to his mother. Just Chill, I would hate to read your Post Later saying " MEN ARE WICKED AND CHEATS".
   
5. Saying all Men are the Same is not a problem. In fact, maybe its true but Who asked you to try them ALL?.
   
6. Bleaching your skin is not a problem. The problem is having White Face, Yellow hands, Chocolate Lips, Black Legs. Hey, Are you a rainbow?
   
7. Wearing your trousers down like the prisoners of Guantanamo is not a problem. The problem is walking as though you wear carrying a piece of crap in your pants.
   
8. Stealing during an examination is not a problem, the problem is telling your kids that you were great at school and yet not able to write a simple hello world program.
   
9. Wearing Brazilian hair is not a problem, the problem is the fact that you are being caught stealing one in your neighbor's room.
   
10. Liking this is not a problem, the problem is not sharing the fun with your friends.

WELCOME TO MY COUNTRY CAMEROON

1. Its only in Cameroon where Jesus sends you a whats-app message and threatens you if you don't forward it to others.
2. Its only in Cameroon where pastors and preachers are more funnier than comedians!
3. Its only in Cameroon where one person will occupy 5 offices while others have none.
4. Its only in Cameroon where tax paid on outdated cars is less than those on fashion cars.
5. Its only in Cameroon where a man's wife calls him by the amount he gives her.
6. Its only in Cameroon where people after withdrawing money from the Bank's ATM MACHINE, stand there to count the money again.
7. Its only in Cameroon where every boy protects his sister from his friends but wants to have someone's sister.
8. Its only in Cameroon where ladies wear classy heels with slipper in their bags as rescue.
9. Its only in Cameroon where a blind has a driving license to drive Caterpillar "A".
10. Its only in Cameroon where cassava farmers double the price of Garri and say..."the economy is hard oo"
11. Its only in Cameroon where you fine out that there are more taxis than private vehicles.
12. Its only in Cameroon where blind people can identify counterfeits.
13. Its only in Cameroon where the youths will complain of poverty and unemployment but still stay up late at night in bars and snacks drinking out their senses.
14. Its only in Cameroon where you see fathers of 80 years trying to build "house for the old" for people of 50.
15. Its only in Cameroon where you fine a civil servant occupying a post in the government for more than 50 years.
16. Its only in Cameroon where the youths will complain of the government but will not want to vote when the time comes.
17. Its only in Cameroon where the female football team does better than the male football team.
18.  Its only in Cameroon where a policeman will see a goat and call it cat with all conviction.
19. Its only in Cameroon where the youths want high paid jobs but are not ready to work 12 hrs a day.
20. Its only in Cameroon where people will say i criticize a lot after reading this post. But I'm just saying.

WHAT SHALL IT PROFIT -- BY FEMENCHA AZOMBO FABRICE

1. What shall it  profit a lady to put on the dearest Brazilian hair and yet still look ugly?
2. What shall it profit a man to have enough money yet still have no girl friend?
3. What shall it profit a boy/girl to break a girl/boy's heart?
4. What shall it profit a girl apply makeups and yet no man looks at her on the streets?
5. What shall it profit a girl to have all the Brazilian hair in the world and still loose her boy friend to a girl with low hair cut?
6. What shall it profit a man to gain the whole world and loose his/soul?

PROMISE YOURSELF

To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.

To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet.

To make all your friends feel that there is something in them

To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.

To think only the best, to work only for the best,and to expect only the best.

To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.

To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.

To wear a cheerful countenance at all times and give every living creature you meet a smile.

To give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others.

To be too large for worry,too noble for anger, too strong for fear,and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world,not in loud words but great deeds.

To live in faith that the whole world is on your side so long as you are true to the best that is in you.

TEN MOST ANNOYING MOMENTS IN LIFE

1. That moment you when you are so hungry that you take out your last 100 FCFA on you to purchase and the woman selling notices that write ups had fade out and refuses to give you food.
   
2. That moment you are well dressed in white suit and your friend comes and tap you on your shoulder after eating eru
   
3. That moment you spend 3.5 million FCFA to organize your wedding and while on the dance floor with your newly wedded wife, people keep spraying 500 FCFA notes.
   
4. That moment you meet a new chick on the road and on trying to give you her number, you notice that you have low battery.
   
5. That moment you are out on  date, ready to conclude that night, and after eating enough suya she tells you she is on her period.
   
6. That moment when arm robbers burst into your home and dis-virgin(rape) your newly wedded wife you have been keeping for the past 10 years.
   
7. That moment  you did a night travel and on arriving home, you find no food to eat and everyone in the neighbor hood is sleeping.
   
8. That moment when things are just about to get serious between you and your girl just for ENEO (SONEL autant pour moi) cease light.
   
9. That moment when you enter an exam hall and notice that you know nothing on the paper.
   
10. That moment in life when the girl you have been trying to get with pass by your house finally and you notice that you have no protection left. LOL.

SOME LIES PEOPLE SOMETIMES BELIEVE IN

1. When one of your eye start shaking they say your going to cry or see some one u haven't seen 4 a long time. Poor health condition seek medical attention.
   
2.  When walking and you kick one of your toe they say it good or bad lock. U were moving with your eyes closed be focused.
   
3.  When eating and you bite your lips they say someone is calling your name. Stop fighting with the food it won't run eat gently no one is calling your name. Call the name of the person standing next to you then ask if he or she her bit her lips .
   
4.  Every time you brush your  teeth and see blood stop thinking it's because u brush it well its because you haven't brush it for the past one or two days. Brush after meals.
   
5.  When the rain is falling heavily don't take your food and throw to the rain thinking it will cut. Just follow the news for your whether conditions. Stop blaming your great grand fathers allow their soul to RIP, the are not going to eat the food your throw.
   
6. When drinking your palm wine or beer as the case maybe, don't throw some on the grown saying "This one is for the ancestors". Frankly, the ancestors are dead and where there are, there don't need wine or beer. Stop wasting your beer.
   
7. When your have a dream about someone at night and u wake up and say "how could this person be in my dream?". It's because through out the day your have been thinking about that person and don't blame anyone it's all your thoughts.
   
8.  For the girls when u get pregnant stop using the phrase " he got me pregnant"  you got yourself pregnant you were not raped, so don't blame him. You did open your legs and scream nicely like uhhh oh. Yes you did, don't even deny it.
   
9. When you get married don't take your husband's name it's not a must what a man can do a woman can do more better. Haha . smiling.
   
10. When you undressed each other to have sex also dress up each other. it is more moralistic than undressing each other. Try to show some manners, where you born in the house, train in the forest?.
    
11. When you have sex in your dream don't blame the poor devil. You wish u had one during the day. The devil is not always responsible for your "evil" deeds, you are sometimes.

Some Usefull African Proverbs

1. He who says nothing last forever has never tried Hausa perfume - Isaac Jaymiah (1904).
   
2. He who fully unwraps a sharwama completely before eating it cannot keep a secret - Abraham Lincoln (1864).
   
3. Any man that uses his teeth to cut shaki from pepper-soup with his eyes wide open is not afraid of anything - Martin Luther King Jnr (1900).
   
4. Anyone who thinks he has many enemies has never been with a mountain of fire member - William Shakespeare (1788).
   
5. Anyone who graduated without experiencing strike probably has never been to Nigeria - Lord Lugard (1904).
   
6. He who ask for stew on top of jollof rice has trust issues  -Alexander the III (1709).
   
7. He who refuses to classify Agege bread n Akara as a type of sandwich is a racist - President Mugabe (1931).
   
8. Anyone that can kill a chicken by cutting its throat without feeling sorry for it is capable of joining Boko Haram – President Mouhamadou Buhari (2012)
   
9. Anyone that says money cannot buy happiness is probably a poor man – Aliko Dangote (2014).
   
10. Anyone that can dry shit, without squeezing his face is worst than me – Aboubakar shekau (1994).
    
11. Any man who drinks palm wine without squeezing his face,is capable of murder....obasanjo(1999).
    
12. Drinking Garri doesn't mean you're poor, but allowing the garri to swell-up before drinking is Poverty - Queen Elisabeth (1893).
    
13. Any man that dates a girl with big boobs and doesn’t squeeze it can surely be trusted with money – Femencha Azombo Fabrice(1980).
    
14. He who runs around looking for scissors to cut Prudence Plus condom not yet hungry- Sir Dr Nnamdi Azikiwe (1947).
    
15. No mata how hot your temper is, it cannot even boil a coco leaf. -Issa Tchiroma (2013).
    
16. Any toilet wey clean never jam correct shit -Bola Tinubu (2011) .
    
17. Any woman that claims all men are dogs should be awarded a medal for perseverance. She had the power to take it doggy with all men -- Suzy Brown (2015).
    
18. The woman that will tell me she is on her period after eating my suya, shawarma, beer and pizza has never met a Bamileke man – Tcheutchoua Steve (2015).
    
19. Anyone that didn’t cut grass while in primary school was definitely born after Paul Biya Junior -- Femencha Azombo Fabrice (2013).
    
20. Only a courageous woman can fry a bunch of plantain (dodo) without tasting any – Chantal Biya (1872).

I HOPE -- BY FEMENCHA AZOMBO FABRICE.

1. That all those who use to steal my bread my mum always puts in my bag in primary school have succeeded in stealing from the world bank.
   
2. That that head boy who use to threaten me to give him my long break money else he will write my name on the list of noise makers is now a senior head boy (governor).
   
3. That those boys who use to use my legs as "petit goal" just because I had curve legs are now playing in real Madrid and Barcelona.
   
4. That those my mates who always refuse to give me double sheet to write a test or an exam are still using the book now!
   
5. That those my mates who refuse to give me their note books to copy notes when I was late for a class are owning real notebooks from Microsoft and Macintosh.
   
6. That all those who refuse to give me one pen each time I asked "class who have 2 pens please" though there had 2 but refused to give me one are signing million dollar contracts with those pens.
   
7. That all those elders in school who use to tax me on my belongings are now working in the tax office.
   
8. That all those people whom during examination refuse to open their paper for me to see an answer are now working in the CONAC (Commission Nationale Anti Corruption).
   
9. That Those girls in primary school who use to refuse to be my girlfriends (after eating my bread on long break , oh Lord have mercy) just because I was not the head boy are now married to or dating ministers and governors.
   
10. That all those girls who rejected or maltreated me(in a relationship) are now in save and secure relationships.

God bless you all because you all made me who I am today ( a wiser version of me).

WHAT BOKO-HARAM GO MAKE US DO

Dem say Boko Haram don poison beans after I buy half bag for house. From the one wey I cook, I give my dog, Bingo, make im first test am. 45mins later, bingo still dey waka, dey jolly. Na im I
come chop my own. After I don chop finish, my gateman run come tel me say bingo don die, hey! I run enter house, begin drink full gallon of palm oil for my belle, chop 22 bitter kola wit 3 long bitter
leaf stem, chop walnuts with the shell no time to crack, swallow moringa with aloe vera as treatment
combo. Garlic and onions be like sweet for my mouth. I come dey sweat as if na oven be my bedroom. I dey think say my life don finish. I come outside. Na im gate man com they
tell me say the driver wey kill bingo wan come beg me! 

If na u, wetin u go do the gate man???

TOTO AND HIS FUNNY STORIES

1. TOTO AND HIS WIFE 

Wife: Honey I'm out of pants can you give me money to buy some??
Toto: Don't bother i will get you some on my way back from work.
Wife: ok.

[ 8 hrs later,]

Toto: Honey here are the pants i got for you. There are you size.

Wife: But Honey there are the same color, People will start to think that have  I    just 1 pant. [Wife gets angry]

Toto: Who will think you have just 1 pant??? How will there get to know.

Wife: [silent].

2. SMS BETWEEN TOTO AND WIFE

Wife: Honey, this is my last sms, can you send me some airtime so i can renew my sms???

Toto: Ok Baby, off course I will.

Wife: Thank you honey, thats why i love you so much.

[After a short while]

Toto: Have you received the airtime??

Wife: No it has not yet come.

Toto:Have you checked your account.??
Wife: Yes I did but Nothing.

Toto: Ok wait I will resend it.

Wife: OK.

[After a short while]

Toto: Has it come??

Wife: Still Nothing!!

Toto: Are you sure???
Wife: Weh i just checked just now and yet still nothing!!
Toto: And you said it was your last SMS?? I was lying, i dint send anything.

3. TOTO AND HIS BANK

Toto had a dream in which he was rubbed and killed just after when he cashed some money from his bank. Early the next morning, he rushed to the bank and empty closed his account after he had withdrawn all his money. His friend asked him why he did that and Toto replied The motto of that bank is <<WE MAKE YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE>>

10 STUPID QUESTIONS PEOPLE ASK

1.  You see identical twins, yet you still ask " are those identical twins??" -- Answer "No Na film you di watch. You Blind??".
   
2. SONEL/ENEO brings back light after a long while and everyone in the quarter starts screaming 'Wehhhhhhh light don came!!' and yet one stupid guy still ask "O boy na light dat so??" -- Answer "No na fire di burn the whole quarter. You Yam".
   
3. You see someone vomiting and yet you ask "You are not feeling fine??" -- Answer "Yes I'm feeling fine, I'm just learning how to vomit. Idiot".
   
4. You  just wake up from sleep and your brother/sister/others after noticing that you were sleeping still ask "You don wakeup???" Answer "No i came buy bread weh a go chop for dream. Tshuiiiiip".
   
5. You see a woman who just put to birth a new born baby and yet you still ask "ehhh Madam you don Born???" -- Answer "No A winnam for pari foot. You carry witch come??".
   
6. You see you mum early in the morning and you greet her good morning but she still ask "My son you don wakeup???" --  Answer "No mum, I'm just sleep walking, You to ohhhh".
   
7. My friend ask me "A sah ehh boy you deh which conner??" A tell yi say " a deh Money Gram down molyko" and yet as stupid as he is he asked me "you di do weti for deh???" --- Answer "A came harvest Yam. Non sense."
   
8. Your neighbor sees you opening the gate to go out and yet ask you "You do comot???" -- Answer "NO a be the new gate man *LMAO*" .
   
9. I'm watching my movie and my friend still comes in and ask "Boy you di watch film???" --- Answer "No a di Skype with  Vin Diesel".
   
10. You are eating plantains and beans and you friend comes in and ask "Boy na beans that so???" -- Answer "No na shit for goat. Na who di sep???".